How
Do You Serve A Friend in Despair?
David Brooks, New York Times, 2/12/2023
My wife has a phrase that got Pete just right — a rare combo of normal
and extraordinary: masculine in the way you're supposed to be masculine, with
great strength and great gentleness. A father in the way you're supposed to be a
father, with great devotion, fun and pride. A husband the way you are supposed
to be a husband, going home at night grateful because the person in the whole
world you want to talk with the most is going to be sitting right there across
the dinner table.
Over the years, Pete and I often spoke about the stresses he was enduring
over the management of his medical practice, but I didn't see the depths of what
he was going through until we spent a weekend with him in the spring of 2019. My
wife noticed a change immediately. A light had gone out; there was an
uncharacteristic flatness in his voice and a stillness in his eyes. One bright
June afternoon, he pulled us aside and told us he wasn't himself. He was doing
what he loved most — playing basketball, swimming in the lake — but he couldn't
enjoy anything. He was worried for his family and himself and asked for our
continued friendship and support. It was the first time I had seen such pain in
him — what turned out to be severe depression. I was confronted with a question
for which I had no preparation: How do you serve a friend who is hit with this
illness?
I tried the best I could, but Pete succumbed to suicide last April. This
article flows from what I learned from those agonizing three years and that
senseless tragedy. It reflects a hard education with no panaceas.
First, I need to tell you more about Pete. We met as kids at Incarnation
Camp in Connecticut. We were campers and counselors together for a decade and
remained close for life. At camp, Pete was handsome, strong, athletic and kind.
There was an exuberant goof-ballism about him.
I remember once, in a fit of high silliness, he started skipping around
the dining hall, singing, and leaping higher and higher with each skip. He tried
to skip right out of the room, but there was a doorframe, probably about seven
feet tall, and Pete slammed into the top of the frame and fell flat on his back.
The rest of us, being 16-year-old junior counselors, found this utterly
hilarious. Pete, also being 16, found this utterly hilarious, too. I remember
him lying there in a fit of giggles, with a doorframe-shaped bruise forming on
his brow.
One summer, Pete and I led a team of 12-and 13-year-olds in a softball
game against a team of 14- and 15-year-olds. Our team miraculously won. In the
celebration afterward, Pete, the boys and I piled on one another on the mound in
a great wriggling heap of disproportionate ecstasy. We hugged and screamed and
high-fived. I think our celebration lasted longer than the game — a volcano-like
pile of male self-approval that is lodged in my memory as one of life's moments
of pure joy.
As the years went by, Pete did well in college, joined the Navy, went to
medical school and became an eye surgeon. On evenings before surgery, Pete took
great care of himself, didn't stay out, made sure he had enough sleep to do the
job that he loved. On evenings after surgery, he'd call his patients to see how
they were feeling. His wife, Jen, a dear friend who was also at camp with us,
used to linger around just to hear the gentleness of his tone on those calls,
the reassuring kindness of his manner.
He seemed, outwardly, like the person in my circle least likely to be
afflicted by a devastating depression, with a cheerful disposition, a happy
marriage, a rewarding career and two truly wonderful sons, Owen and James. But
he was carrying more childhood trauma than I knew, and depression eventually
overwhelmed him.
At first, I did not understand the seriousness of the situation. That's
partly temperamental. Some people catastrophize and imagine the worst. I tend to
bright-icize and assume that everything will work out. But it's also partly
because I didn't realize that depression had created another Pete. I had very
definite ideas in my head about who Pete was, and depression was not part of how
I understood my friend.
Over the next months, severe depression was revealed to me as an
unimagined abyss. I learned that those of us lucky enough never to have
experienced serious depression cannot understand what it is like just by
extrapolating from our own periods of sadness. As the philosophers Cecily
Whiteley and Jonathan Birch have written, it is not just sorrow; it is a state
of consciousness that distorts perceptions of time, space and self. The
journalist Sally Brampton called depression a landscape that "is cold and black
and empty. It is more terrifying and more horrible than anywhere I have ever
been, even in my nightmares."
The novelist William Styron wrote brilliantly about his own depression in
"Darkness Visible." He wrote that "the madness of depression is, generally
speaking, the antithesis of violence. It is a storm indeed, but a storm of murk.
Soon evident are the slowed-down responses, near paralysis, psychic energy
throttled back close to zero." He continued: "I experienced a curious inner
convulsion that I can describe only as despair beyond despair. It came out of
the cold night; I did not think such anguish possible."
During the Covid pandemic, Pete and I spoke by phone. In the beginning, I
made the mistake of trying to advise him about how he could lift his depression.
He had earlier gone to Vietnam to perform eye surgeries for those who were too
poor to afford them. I told him he should do that again, since he found it so
tremendously rewarding. I did not realize it was energy and desire that he
lacked, not ideas about things to do. It's only later that I read that when you
give a depressed person advice on how to get better, there's a good chance all
you are doing is telling the person that you just don't get it.
I tried to remind Pete of all the wonderful blessings he enjoyed, what
psychologists call "positive reframing." I've since read that this might make
sufferers feel even worse about themselves for not being able to enjoy all the
things that are palpably enjoyable.
I learned, very gradually, that a friend's job in these circumstances is
not to cheer the person up. It's to acknowledge the reality of the situation;
it's to hear, respect and love the person; it's to show that you haven't given
up on him or her, that you haven't walked away. Time and again Pete would talk
about his great fear that he would someday lose his skill as a surgeon, that he
would cease to be a healer, that he would lose his identity and self.
As Pete spoke of his illness, it sometimes seemed as if there were two of
him. There was the one enveloped in pain and the other one who was observing
himself and could not understand what was happening. That second self was the
Pete I spoke to for those three years. He was analyzing the anguish. He was
trying to figure it out. He was going to the best doctors. They were trying one
approach after another. The cloud would not lift.
I am told that one of the brutalities of the illness is the impossibility
of articulating exactly what the pain consists of. Pete would give me the
general truth, "Depression sucks." But he tried not to burden me with the full
horrors of what he was going through. There was a lot he didn't tell me, at
least until the end, or not at all.
I never told him this, but there were moments during that hard plague
year of 2020 that I feared that my own mind was slipping. Cheerfulness is my
normal default state, but that year my moods could be dark and troubled. When
your oldest friend is battling his demons, it's natural to wonder about your
own.
While I've devoted my life to words, I increasingly felt the futility of
words to help Pete in any meaningful way. The feeling of impotence was
existential. After a while, I just tried to be normal. I just tried to be the
easygoing friend who always had been to him and he had been to me. I hoped this
would slightly ease his sense of isolation. Intellectually, Pete knew that his
wife and boys lavishly loved him, that his friends loved him, but he still felt
locked inside the lacerating self-obsession that was part of the illness.
Perhaps the most useful thing I did was send him a video. My friend Mike
Gerson, a Washington Post columnist, had been hospitalized with depression in
early 2019. He had delivered a beautiful sermon at the Washington National
Cathedral about his experience before he died of complications of cancer last
November. Depression, he said, was a "malfunction of the instrument we use to
determine reality." Then he talked about the lying voices that had taken up
residence in his mind, spewing out their vicious clichés: You are a burden to
your friends, you have no future, no one would miss you.
That resonated with Pete and gave him a sense of validation. He, too,
would describe the obsessive-compulsive voices that would attack him from inside
his own head. Mike also talked about the fog eventually thinning, at the glimpse
of beauty or of love, and reminded Pete that "there is something better on the
far side of despair."
Still the clouds refused to lift. Jen had some wise words when I asked
her what she learned being around him during those years. "I was very aware this
was not the real Pete," she said. "I tried not to take his periods of negativity
and withdrawal personally."
I wish I had bombarded Pete with more small touches. Just small emails to
let him know how much he was on my mind. Writing about his own depression in The
Atlantic last year, Jeffrey Ruoff mentioned that his brother sent him over 700
postcards over the years, from all 50 states, Central America, Canada and Asia.
Those kinds of touches say: I'm with you. No response necessary "There are
moments in our lives," Honore de Balzac wrote, "when the sense that our friend
is near is all that we can bear. Our wounds smart under the consoling words that
only reveal the depths of pain."
The years went by and medications and treatment programs continued to
fail. Pete and Jen began to realize how little the medical community knows about
what will work. They also began to realize that mental health care is shockingly
siloed. Pete saw outstanding doctors who devoted themselves to him, but they
work only within their specific treatment silo. When one treatment didn't work,
Pete would get shuttled off to some other silo to begin again. Jen recently
emailed me that when she had a cancer recurrence, in the middle of Pete's
depression, she had a "tumor board" —three different cancer experts (a surgeon,
an oncologist and a radiation oncologist) — who coordinated her care.
"In our experience, there is none of this in mental health," she wrote
me. In many places, there is no one looking at the whole picture and the whole
patient. "If one more mental health professional tells me 'Everyone did their
best,' I will scream," Jen wrote. "If this is our best, it is not nearly good
enough."
Pete developed theories to explain why this had happened to him. He
pointed to a series of traumas and neglect he had suffered at home as a child —
events he had vaguely referred to during our friendship but had never gone into
in detail with me until his final years. He thought part of his illness was just
straight biology. Think of it like brain cancer, he'd say. A random physical
disease. I agree with some of that, but I'm also haunted by the large nunber of
medications doctors put him on. He always seemed to be getting on one or getting
off another as he ran through various treatment regimens. His path through the
mental health care system was filled with a scattershot array of treatments and
crushing disappointments.
Pete and his family joined us for Thanksgiving in 2021. By this point I
was just trying to be as I always had been toward him, in hopes that he might be
able to be as he always had been toward me. We all played basketball and board
games and enjoyed the weekend. I felt some hope. But Pete appears in one of the
photos that were taken that weekend, sitting on the couch, still-faced,
enveloped in shadow. One afternoon, he asked my wife to pray over him in the
kitchen, plaintively, grasping for hope.
The experts say if you know someone who is depressed, it's OK to ask
explicitly about suicide. The experts emphasize that you're not going to be
putting the thought into the person's head. Very often it's already on her or
his mind. And if it is, the person should be getting professional help.
When Pete and I gestured toward the subject of suicide, we just talked
about what a magnificent family he had, how much they, all loved one another.
Like Jen, I tried to tell him that this darkness would lift, though as the years
went by and the therapies failed, his faith in this deliverance waned.
Pete was always the braver of the two of us. He was the one who would go
cliff diving or jump over bonfires without fear. And he was never more
courageous than over his last three years. He fought this malady with
astonishing courage and steadfastness against a foe that would bring anybody to
his knees. He fought it minute by minute, day by day — over a thousand days. He
was driven by his selfless love for his family, which he cherished most in the
world.
We had dinner a few days before he died. Jen and I tried to keep the
conversation bouncing along. But, apparently, their car ride home was
heart-rending. "How can I not be able to talk to my oldest friend?" Pete asked.
"Brooksie can talk to people. I can't."
Depression can be bitterly ridiculous. Pete died a few weeks before his
younger son's college graduation, enmeshed by loving relationships and
friendships. It's ridiculous that we still know so little about the illness and
how to treat it. I find it unfathomable that it's been well over a century since
Sigmund Freud started writing about psychology. We've had generations of
scholars and scientists working in this field, and yet suicide rates in 2020
were 30% higher than they were in 2000 and one in five American adults
experience mental illness each year. We need much more research funding to
figure this out.
If I'm ever in a similar situation again, I'll know that you don't have
to try to coax somebody out of depression. It's enough to show that you are
trying to understand what this troubled soul is enduring. It's enough to create
an atmosphere in which the sufferer can share her experience. It's enough to
offer him or her the comfort of being seen.
My friend Nat Eddy, who also accompanied Pete through those final years,
wrote to me recently: "Do whatever it is you do to give the wives and children a
break — an hour or two when they don't have to worry that the worst will happen
(and pray that it doesn't happen on your watch, because that isn't a given). Do
whatever it is you do so you can look at yourself in the mirror. True friendship
offers deep satisfactions, but it also imposes vulnerabilities and obligations,
and to pretend it doesn't is to devalue friendship."
I feel sorrow that I didn't know enough to do this more effectively with
Pete. I might have kept him company more soothingly. I might have made him
better understand what he meant to me. But I do not feel guilt.
Pete had teams of experts walking with him through this. He had his
wonderful wife and kids, who accompanied him lovingly and steadfastly every day.
I've talked to Jen about this. Pete used to say he found talking to Jen more
helpful than talking to any of the experts. So there is no reason for any of us
to feel like failures because we could not alter what happened. Every case of
depression is unique, and every case is to be fought with as much love and
endurance and knowledge as can be mustered. But in this particular case, the
beast was bigger than Pete; it was bigger than us.
I feel like I've read a lot about the grieving process for family members
but not so much about what grieving is like when your friends die. Death and I
were too well acquainted last year. I lost three good friends — Pete, Mike
Gerson and my longtime "NewsHour" partner, Mark Shields. I've been surprised by
how profound and lasting the inner aches have been.
Pete's death has been a cause of
great disorientation. He'd been a presence for practically my whole life, and
now the steady friendship I took for granted is gone. It's as if I went to
Montana and suddenly the mountains had disappeared.
One great source of comfort has been the chance to glimpse, from time to
time, how heroically Pete's boys, Owen and James, have handled this loss. In
their own grief, they have rallied forcefully and lovingly around their mother.
Two months after Pete's passing, my eldest son married. To my great astonishment
and gratitude, Jen and the boys were able to make the trip to attend. At the
reception, the boys gently coaxed their mother to join us on the dance floor. It
felt appropriate since this is what we did at camp; dancing skeined through the
decades of our lives. I have a sharp memory of those two fine young men dancing
that evening, and a million memories of the parents who raised them so well.